I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
