It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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