I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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