you lied. pity sex is amazing.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
