i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
