i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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