sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she told me i tasted like america
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
