you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize