I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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