Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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