A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
she looked like the before picture.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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