Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
