You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
