Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
