Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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