I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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