90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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