you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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