They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
