I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
