When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
he's single and there are thong briefs.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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