her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
