You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
