the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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