Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
