he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
