so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
