My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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