You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Randomize
