apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize