happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
