I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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