So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
