my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
