My room smells like vodka and shame
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
