there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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