some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just cropdusted the office
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
