hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize