I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
