my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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