shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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