Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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