Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Holy shit dude........stairs
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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