Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
