Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
