and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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