i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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