All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
My vagina just recognized that song.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This is the high leading the old right now
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
