All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
