I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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