just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she smelled like a LAN party
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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