I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
