hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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