i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
