he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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