If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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