At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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